It’s finally here, truly the most American holiday, where we collect and worship the things that make our country great and celebrate the sport that is actually a death cult: drinking too much, eating fried things covered in salad dressing, and watch advertisements. If there is a day that could be less football-related, it is Super Bowl Sunday. Even so, this is a website about US soccer and there is certainly something relevant to the sport of today. So I’m bringing you a list that I didn’t just write because I couldn’t think of anything else today – the ultimate equivalence of US soccer players to Super Bowl food.
Here is the menu
Pizza: Keeper – This probably won’t make or break the party, but a bad one will really get noticed and whoever plans this thing will always take their favorite over the better one that’s still in MLS. This meal is Zack Steffen.
Jalapeano Poppers: Left Back – Fried to be a crowd puller, spicy enough to make you a little wary, but also filled with a cooling presence to hold back that capsaicin hit. Crystal Dunn will get things going and keep things cool.
Spinach Dip: Centerback – Reliable, fluffy, but still satisfying, and gets along well with others. It’s what a great centerback brings to the table and who Becky Sauerbrunn is.
Pigs in a blanket: Centerback – Frankfurter wrapped in dough that comes out of a can? It couldn’t be more German-American than John Brooks?
Something Wrapped in Bacon: shrimp, dates, scallops, asparagus, there’s nothing you won’t eat when it’s wrapped in bacon. It has to be there to make everything around it better. I’m pretty sure Sergino Dest fits that bill.
Beer: Center Midfield – you have to have it everywhere on Super Bowl Sunday, any place you look you will see one. Sometimes it’s an award-winning microbrew, others might try too hard, but you still appreciate the effort and can’t really be disappointed because it’s beer. Too much and maybe you’re in trouble, too little and people won’t be that happy, that’s why Weston McKennie is beer.
Chili: Midfield – There’s a little bit of everything in here – ground beef, beans or not, spices, tomatoes that have been processed in some way, it’s even and sometimes noticeable. That brings Rose Lavelle to the party.
Chicken Wings: Center Midfield – They can be flavorful, sweet, lemon pepper, coated in garlic and parmesan, dipped in different things, in short, they are an all-round crowd pleaser. This is clearly Sam Mewis.
7 Layer Dip: Left Wing – It has seven layers of amazement, whatever you want – beans, guac, salsa, it’s the complete package and knows how to party. Megan Rapinoe has all of that and more.
Loaded Little Things: Right Wing – You are asking loaded little things to do a lot. It has to be fried, hearty, maybe spicy, maybe covered in bacon, maybe coated in blue cheese, it could have a lot of pulled pork and some other cheese, who knows. The point is, it has to deliver but has to take better care of its hamstrings and is Christian Pulisic.
Buffalo Chicken Dip: Striker – This has to be a reliable producer with a great end product that just keeps on delivering. Since it can be stored in a pot, it is always ready from kick-off until the end of the game. Alex Morgan brings all of this to the party.
Pepto Bismol: Manager – After all of this, if everything goes wrong, you’ll need something to pick up the parts. It kind of gets the job done, but in the end it isn’t the answer to a problem that needs a more effective solution. I see you at Bruce Arena.